#MyDream is Evolving As I Am

I remember having only one dream as a child and that was to be the wisest human of my time. I don’t know if this desire was born in order to make sense of the confusing world I lived in or if it was just this insatiably I still carry.
Either way, I believed it to be possible with such great conviction that I’d pray to God for it. I thought if I knew everything then the rest would seamlessly fall into place. As I grew older, I recognized the truth of the matter. I realized that’d I’d soon become an adult and that required me pick from the list of jobs before me. I oscillated back and forth from teacher to a vet. I wanted to help things. I would never fully make up my mind nor would I come up with anything else. I wanted to be something nobody else was and I didn’t care about the money.
Cute for a kid, right?
Not so much for an adult.
As I approached the age where this decision requires an answer, I still didn’t know. All I knew is that I wanted to do something big and important, maybe because I had always felt small.
Sometimes the best way to know what we want is to know what we don’t want. A moment sticks out to me from college, a peer asked me what my worst fear was.
“Being unhappy,” I said.
I remember this because it was one of the first times I was honest aloud, and my words were received as profound.
Those around me had answered with, “heights, snakes, and spiders.”
I had become very serious in college and I didn’t know why. I had been use to being as light as a feather all my life.
This wouldn’t make sense to me until much later.
I decided then that I would become a philosopher. I would doubt everything. I would be a skeptic, and I would carry this new responsibility to answer the tough questions that others so blissfully neglected. I would soon travel deep into my mind where I would grow deeply depressed and anxious.
There’s a quote I fell in love with in those years. Marsha Linehan said in some words, “I would get out of hell and help others out.”
Hell was my mind. I was in pursuit of myself, and it lasted much longer than I had anticipated. I almost lost my life.
I believe depression to be many things, chemical, hereditary, treatable, reoccurring, and also a gift. If not for my depression, I would have never gone searching. I would have accepted my story as it had been told to me. It was my dream that saved me. I had begged for God to make me the wisest human of my time. I don’t know about the wisest, but I was wise enough to know that I didn’t know it all, and that the people around me didn’t either. I knew there was more, and that’s all I knew.
My dream has carried me around the world. It’s taken me to great heights, and the deepest lows. It has introduced me to the most gorgeous souls, including my own. I believe it will carry me much further too.
When I was a girl, I dreamed of being big. I dreamed of being big as if it were something I had once known, and missed. I do believe this to be true.
If ever lost, confused, hopeless, or abused, I’d like to share my dream with you. There is so much more. There are truths you have not heard, soulmates you have not met, there are things you think you know that you have only scratched the surface of, and there is no scarcity of any of it. For me personally, this abundance has always lied on the other side of a big risk. Let yourself evolve.
I have been many things in my life. I have been shy, a critic, a bigot, a heretic. I have been judged, used, tattooed, depressed, bipolar, and anxious. I have been a delight, and a very heavy burden. I have been so many things. I have been things I never thought I’d become and I have yet to become things I always thought I would. My dream for you is that you know that you get to decide. I spent 27 years believing I was a victim to a story that had already been written for me.
Today, I know that I am the creator of my rise.
My dream is ever evolving as am I.
Today my dream is to accept the world before me, and know that I am also powerful enough to make a change in it. Even if that’s just one small corner of it.
I must tell you though, it is not easy. I had always thought that the key to life was to keep it painless and easy. The thing that I had so wrong about my life is that I was wrong about me. I trusted fear to guide to me. The only way to do this thing is to meet your soul and be guided by it.
Nice bumper sticker, right?
Meeting my soul, to me, was the hardest part. Call me wise, call me anything you want. I do know this for sure, seeking your soul is the greatest endeavor. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact of why this is so difficult. Our souls are the closest thing to us, right? Resting somewhere near the heart.
This moment is absolutely right. This moment where you feel like nothing is right is also right. All I know for sure is to keep going.
Please know that this moment is right and so is your insatiable desire.
There is nothing wrong about you.
Accept this and keeping going.
You’re not wrong. You’re absolutely right about you. That’s what I wish someone had told me about my dream.
Please give yourself permission to be everything you are. If you can’t give yourself that permission, take it from me. I’m just some girl you don’t know, and all I know, is I’ve got this absolutely right.
I know you do too.

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