I spent the weekend writing my story. I’ve spent a lot of time recently in the thralls of my most recent past, but I hadn’t been to the years leading up to it in a long time. I had forgotten. I had forgotten just how dark it was. I spent a lot of time over the past year, writing about hope, light, and transformation but I had forgotten. I forgot how it feels to be there and how those ^ things barely hold any weight. If I had read my own posts at that time, I would have probably rolled my eyes, and thought “you don’t get it.”
I get it, I just forgot.
As timing would have it, I’m also binge watching 13 Reasons Why, and I’ll tell you that I haven’t finished it, and I don’t know if I will. It triggered me in a way, maybe that’s why I wrote my back story this weekend. As I watch Hannah navigate her fictional life, I am reminded of the harsh truth that some people don’t get breaks, miracles, help, or to the other side. I get it. My story was different from this fictional Hannah Baker’s story, but I can relate to a series of unfortunate events that leads to wanting to give up on this whole thing.
I consider myself a miracle because of the number of years that I spent suicidal. The number of nights, more than just March 7th, that I wanted so badly to be done. The number of times I looked to the future and thought, “no thanks, man.” It happens, it so easily happens. Something so profoundly earth shattering can be considered so easily. I get when everything feels pointless. I get when you’re just so tired. I get when you feel like things can’t be fixed, moved passed, forgiven or forgotten.
I’m going to be honest with you, as I write these words now, I feel this way. Nothing significant or devastating has happened. I’m just tired. I don’t like my job again. I’m single again. I designed my website. I’m writing. I’m coaching a beautiful youth softball team. I have my first speaking gig next month. I have people who love me beyond measure. But I’m tired. I’m tired of showing up for a life that feels as if it plays on repeat. You get the job. You lose interest. You pick up a new hobby. It just barely keeps your demons at bay. You get the guy. He loses interest. You write the story. It gets attention. You knock on the same doors, they open or they don’t. Nothing is wrong, but what’s worth being here?
This is what I tell myself, what’s worth being here is that you are here. You were placed here. We don’t get to know why, we just have to trust that something grander than us knows why. That something before we got here said, “You, step forward, it’s time for you to go, you will go here, you will not know why, but trust me.” Not that we are somethings pawn. No, no, nothing of the sort. That’s not something I’m going to get into there though, the theology of what we are and why we are here.
What I am going to do that is tell you that if you’re wondering why you’re here, if it feels pointless, insignificant, or miserable, start looking. Spend your life figuring it out. That’s what I’m doing. I’d rather wander around this beautiful earth investigating the truth than sitting miserably in a wondering life. Find reasons to be here. If you come across one that no longer serves you, move along. There will be so many trials and errors on this journey. This journey won’t look like the majority’s. If you really want your life to look like everyone else’s than stay put, that’s cool, seriously, namaste.
I’m just saying, if you’re feeling suicidal, it’s not an invitation to die, it’s an invitation to go exploring. What you’re doing is obviously not working for you and that’s not only okay, it’s awesome. Your soul is calling you elsewhere, and no it’s not easy to venture elsewhere, but it’s worth it to look. When I watch 13 Reasons Why, I imagine Hannah watching the aftermath of her decision from beyond the grave, and thinking, “man, I wish I was down with them right now.” I think she’d have severe FOMO, and I think you would too. That’s the thing though, she couldn’t see that till after she left so I’m asking you to trust an eternal perspective that you don’t have. I’m asking you to trust that something, maybe you in another time and space, decided to surrender your eternal understanding and perspective to be a human down here. You knew you would be giving that up, that you would forget and not see what you truly are, that you would humble yourself to be human, and that you would have to trust what you left behind to guide you.
Stay here. Yes, it makes no sense. It made sense at one time, and it still does in another place. But in this place, all we have is faith, ourselves, and each other. Will you give it another shot? Not for me, but for you. For the story you came here to orchestrate and participate in? Maybe I’m just here to frequent bars, and write to you. I don’t know, but something does. I’ll figure that out, but who are we to question where we stand?
I think we are onto something here. If you want to leave this earth, I think you’re on to something. Suicidal ideations, to me, say that you get it. You get that something’s not right with this world. Don’t leave it. Let’s fix it. Let’s be peace makers, truth bringers, honesty sliggers, bravery champions, hope infusers, healers, and lovers. I believe the reason you don’t want to be here is not because something’s wrong with you, the life you’ve created, or the things that have happened to you. You don’t want to be here because you see something that only few see. Because you’ve experienced pain, hurt, devastation, back stabbing, unkindness, betrayal, and profound sadness. And those things are so hard, but be strong and stay. Be here and join the crusade. I believe it’s why you’re here and reading this. Consider this a tape that dropped on your doorstep, except I’m still here, and I want you to join the team. Pick yourself a badge. A kindness, love, advocacy, art, healing, transformation, or make up your own badge. Stitch it on, and stay here. I’m not telling you it gets easier, I’m just saying there is a worthy reason for you to continue, and it will fuel you to stay here. It’s your reason, no one else’s, not now, before, or ever again will another like you exist. You, right there, reading this, what’s your badge? Stand up and let’s begin…let’s keeping going.